When Right Is Completely Wrong: Assessing The Future of the Republican Party

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It’s a little unfortunate, but I find the race for the U.S. presidency endlessly more fascinating than anything Australian politics can throw up. Sure, we have the Mad Monk, but the reality is that our candidates have nothing on the freak shows on display in the States. The Republican primaries are coming up in which the opposition to Barack Obama will eventually be decided after a cut-throat series of televised debates and swimsuit competitions. Here’s a brief run down on some of the contenders.

“THE AMERICAN VAMPYRE FROM JERSEY”

1. Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey

AS PRESIDENT, TERRORISTS AND CRIMINALS WILL FEAR ME! ‘CAUSE I WILL IMPALE THEM!!!!! THE AMERICAN VAMPYRE FROM JERSEY, IS OUT FOR BLOOD! THE BLOOD OF OUR ENEMIES!!!

Jonathon ‘The Impaler’ Sharkey (or if you’d prefer to call him by his ‘Magikal Path’ name, Lord Ares) is a vampire, and clearly a creature you do not want to fuck with. The archetypal right wing candidate, Mr Sharkey has literally licked his wounds after a failed 2008 bid for another bite at office, and was once investigated by the Secret Service for threatening to impale George Dubbleya.

Also an accomplished recording artist, it is somewhat difficult to ascertain The Impaler’s policies, although if you are going to vote for a vampire you probably do not really care. It does seem apparent that restraint is not one of them, as the most recent blog post from his 2008 campaign website indicates;

This morning, 2008 VWP (Vampires, Witches and Pagans) Party Presidential Candidate – Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey, took the prayer mat/rug of a Muslim who had repeatedly condemned the Jewish Nation, and America to Jonathon, and drew a Satanic Pentagram along with Hail Lucifer on it, before pouring lighter fluid on it, then setting the mat on fire.”

 

2. Jimmy McMillan

“Ol’ Chinballs”

There are very few people in this world with the audacity to sculpt their facial hair into a scrotum at any point in their life, but that’s exactly what Ol’ Chinballs here has been doing for years while actively attempting to woo public opinion and be elected to the White House. Described on Wikipedia as “an American political activist, perennial candidate, Vietnam War veteran, self-proclaimed karate expert, as well as a former postal worker and private investigator,” Jimmy is clearly a busy fellow. Unfortunately, all of these activities seem to have gotten in the way of his personal life, as evidenced by these links on the home page for his The Rent Is Too Damn High political party.

Although he has his own party and is a registered member of the Democratic Party, Jimmy is chasing the Republican nomination for 2012. He will hope to differentiate himself from other candidates with the fact that he has long held consistent beliefs, ideas and policies that do not just kowtow to the party line or mindless contrarianism (different, that is, if we just disregard the vampire for a second.) Having said this, he is a media whore that has an action figure and once climbed the Brooklyn Bridge, refusing to come down until television stations covered the story.

 

3. Andy Martin

“Legendary New York and Chicago-based muckraker” Andy Martin, as he chooses to describe himself on his own campaign website, is without question the last of those things. It is he who is widely credited with starting the rumour that Barack Obama is a Muslim back in 2008, a depressingly effective way to discredit him in the eyes of voters.

In a press release at the time, Martin wrote that “it may well be that his concealment is meant to endanger Israel.” That is a bit rich, coming from a man who has been quoted describing a judge during his time as a lawyer as “a crooked, slimy Jew who has a history of lying and thieving common to members of his race.” If this was a one off, it would… well, not be acceptable at all. But maybe he could at least attempt to pass it off as a side effect of mistakenly labelled medication or the mischief of a rogue ventriloquist, which would be all the more impressive in that it was not spoken but filed in court papers. Alas, Andy went a step further in the same year (1983) by claiming, again in court papers, that “I am able to understand how the Holocaust took place, and with every passing day feel less and less sorry that it did.”

After the Muslim rumor was widely discredited, Martin changed tack, and instead began spewing some garbage about Obama’s paternity. Namely, that his father is not really Barack Obama Sr but is in fact Frank Marshall Davis, a journalist and political activist accused of having links to the Communist Party. Because, you know, commies are evil. Martin aired the allegation on CNN, claiming his findings were a result of investigations after a trip to Honolulu. He never gave any evidence, though being a lawyer it is unlikely that he was speaking mistruths.

 

4. Sarah Palin

Wowee zowee, where to begin? Plucked from relative obscurity to become John McCain’s running partner several eternities ago, Palin has become one of the leading contenders to the title of Earth’s chief embarrassment should the aliens beam down an ambassador to discuss intergalactic affairs. We will need to lock her safely away in the planet’s molten core so that she doesn’t say something insane and get us all disintegrated, possibly how her opinion should be valued because she can actually see Mars from Alaska.

In the aftermath of the 2008 campaign, it was reported that she did not know if Africa was a country or a continent. She has claimed on Facebook (she currently has over 3 million followers) that proposed health care reforms would have seen her standing, after the birth of her son who has Down Syndrome, “in front of Obama’s ‘death panel’ so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their ‘level of productivity in society,’ whether they are worthy of health care” taking it upon herself to just make up quotes from nowhere to fabricate some authenticity. Speaking of making shit up, she has even (mistakenly, may I add) invented the word ‘refudiate’ and then had the gall to compare herself to Shakespeare.

Though she has refused to officially announce her candidacy, she is currently touring the country in an oversized patriotic phallus, a journey that just happens to encompass the states in which some of the most critical primary ballots are held and in which she turned up to piss on the doorstep of arguably her biggest potential rival on the exact same day he launched his bid.

That’s too much about Palin. It only exists if we look at it, so everyone should (but won’t) stop. Plus, the sole purpose of the rest of the internet is to point out her shortcomings.

John Davis: A Real American Hero

5. John Davis

I have a soft spot for John. Just look at him. What a fucking guy, with his bald eagle and gigantic star spangled monkey wrench. I would vote for him based on the above image no questions asked, and then I would find a way to vote for him again. John might not have a college degree, but he has “been through the school of hard knocks several times over.” I like to think that this doesn’t mean he failed to graduate the first few times, but instead chooses to go back periodically and haze the freshmen with his massive wrench.

A highly complex individual, John likes to speak in riddles. For example;

“What makes a United States president? Does a mold make a president? If we had a mold, we could mold a president. But which mold would we choose? Would we all agree on the same mold? But seriously, what makes a president?”

John will certainly be a bewildering and unpredictable opponent come debates.

Even more impressive than his powers of circular conundrum are his glowing character references. Take this one, from Robert Smith of The Cure (well, Robert J Smith of something called Word & Spirit Ministries, but really, what’s the difference?);

“He (John) is deeply patriotic. For instance, he daily flies the largest American flag at his business, on the tallest pole in the city”

Or this, from one JD Lunsford of Lunsford Mechanical Contractors;

“I have had the honour of serving with John on our church board; he has been a great manager of the church’s property. I would recommend John to anyone. Please feel free to call me if you would like any further information.”

While I sorta would like some further information, such as whether or not experience managing the equipment of a church is relevant in a bid to become leader of the largest economy in the world, I am willing to let it slide because of the sheer charm of using such references on your presidential campaign website.

 

6. Tom Miller

Meet Tom Miller, a flight attendant who laments that “political correctness has eroded the American foundation and our way of life to the point where everything is now being tolerated, except intolerance.” A man with “over 23+ years” experience pushing food carts in a multitude of time zones, it may seem at first that Tom Miller is not qualified to revive the fortunes of the ailing superpower (aside, perhaps, from foreign policy.)

However, you are an idiot for jumping to conclusions. According to his website, Tom has “a résumé our founders would be proud of. I am a middle class citizen living and breathing in America.” If you are after something more specific, you can click on a link that takes you to his “résumé,” which turns out to be nothing but an image of the American flag.

Tom is a man who believes that global warming is a fad equivalent to that of pet rocks in the 1970s, and whose “first Executive Order will be to designate English as the Official language of the United States of America,” presumably going on to make his second order one that alters the laws of the English language to include randomization of capital letters. He will also make a point not to “sign any unread or unfunded legislation.” However, when answering the frequently asked question “but Tom, how could you possibly understand and perform the duties required to be President?” on his website, he says that he will have a staff of over 3000 people, and that it is “the staff that carries out the directives and ideas, no matter how large or small they are.” So that shit will definitely get read. By… someone.

 

“Batshit Crazy”

7. Michele Bachmann

There has been debate about whether or not there is room in the race for candidacy for both Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann, another conservative female with controversial policies and a “tendency to say things that may not have the added attraction of being true.” Bear in mind that quote comes from Brit Hume of Fox News, a network so infatuated with Republican rhetoric that they actually hire Palin as a paid contributor. Of course, as no one seems to put any sort of cap on the amount of bat shit crazy male candidates that should be in the race, it could be construed as sexism, though it is certainly true that both appeal to the same core of voters and would potentially take votes from each other, significantly limiting the chances of both candidates.

What is also certainly true is that she is seen by many to be certifiably insane. Over time, her list of gaffes has included the inference that the Democrats are responsible for swine flu due to the incorrect assertion that the last breakout occurred under Jimmy Carter (“I’m not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it’s an interesting coincidence,”) suggesting that The Lion King may be used by teachers to encourage homosexuality (on another occasion, postulating that “Gay marriage is probably the biggest issue that will impact our state and our nation in the last, at least, thirty years. I am not understating that”) and declaring that removing the minimum wage “could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level.” There are a multitude of similarly half baked quotes that the damn socialist/leftist internet is gagging to tell you about.

Unlike Palin, Bachmann is actually a declared entrant in the race, and has recently impressed in Republican debates making her seem, God help us all, a far more legitimate candidate than anyone else on this list.

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  • Richard

    Yeah, I filmed the prayer met burning. It was actually My Mom's door mat. He thought it was a prayer rug. LOL!!!

  • chris

    I can't tell whether this article is a failed attempt at comedy or an intentional deceit. I'm an American who pays close attention to politics, and I've only heard of two of these people. This article is an obvious attempt to make it look like U.S. politics are insane by highlighting the most bizarre, unknown fringe candidates. Aside from Palin and Bachmann, calling these people "contenders" and "the future of the Republican Party" is preposterous. I've never seen such a false representation of reality.